Friday, November 11, 2005

Conspiracy Theory Reversed

I've been thinking lately about how the pendulum has swung as to opinions about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.

Back before the war if I spoke to someone and claimed that the Bush Administration was lying about WMDs in Iraq, I was promptly told I was an idiot or something along those lines. I was essentially accused of being a conspiracy theorist.

Now more than two years later with no weapons to be found and opinion polls showing that almost 60% of Americans believe that Bush purposely misled the nation, the roles have reversed. You can still find people that maintain that Saddam had WMDs and then proceed to try to explain what happened to them.

The two predominant theories are 1) that the WMDs were moved across the border into Syria and 2) the WMDs are still in Iraq probably buried in the sand. Despite the fact that the Bush Administration has never made these claims, people have come up with these ideas. So, who's the conspiracy theorists now?

Well, as a former conspiracy theorist (back in the days before the war) I would like to offer some other ideas for the new conspiracy theorists.

1) Aliens took them. Extremely intelligent beings from another galaxy decided that if Saddam Hussein used WMDs and then the US retaliated in kind then World War III would become fact. These aliens felt that humanity needed to be saved, so they moved their flying saucers into the airspace of Iraq and beamed up all the WMDs. They then more than likely deposited them on an outer planet such as Neptune where they are making the weapons ineffective.

2) George Bush has them. Yes, the troops did find them just where Donald Rumsfeld said they'd be
"We know where they are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat." The troops involved were sworn to secrecy and the WMDs were brought back to the US and then delivered to George Bush's ranch in Texas. He now has many of the WMDs on his mantle to admire on his long vacations.

3) They are still in Iraq, except you can't see them. Saddam developed the ultimate WMD using invisibility technology or in Star Trek-speak, the WMDs have cloaking. The WMDs are all over the place, soldiers bump into them all the time and go "ouch" but just don't understand what caused their pain.

4) The Gods intervened. Long before the concept of a single God, ancient Mesopotamia had many pagan Gods. Well guess what, those Gods still exist. In all the chaos during the early phase of the Iraq War the Gods moved in and swiped the WMDs from Saddam. Then they climbed the great ladder into the heavens with their loot. See WMDs can't destroy the Gods, but those WMDs sure make great toys for them. They set the WMDs off like mere humans play with fire crackers. You should hear the ooohs and aaahs of the Gods.

5) The WMDs vanished. Little known to either Saddam Hussein or George Bush the French had an ultimate super secret plan. The day weapons inspector Hans Blix left Iraq the French sent in their unit, the Special Magician Forces (SMF). These highly secret troops spread out across Iraq and made all the WMDs disappear. Using advanced methods of "the vanishing box" and the "magicians hat" within a week all the WMDs were not to be found.

6) The WMDs are all over the world. Little did the Bush Administration know but Saddam Hussein had the lotto of all lottos. Interested countries paid their two bucks and selected six numbers for the weekly drawings. North Korea won on the third week with 5, 23, 29, 39, 44, 45 and collected all the vials of anthrax, while Libya won on week seven with 3, 14, 20, 25, 37, 41 and amassed nuclear capabilities. It should be noted that Libya was unhappy with the incompleteness of the prize and later decided to give the crappy winnings to the UN.

7) I have them. You see, a favored cousin of Saddam and I were email buddies and suddenly one day he asked if I could hold onto some packages for him. I said, "Sure, go ahead and send them on." About a week later about three hundred and fifty boxes came UPS and I stuck them in my basement. I'm still opening them and am surprised all the time. "Wow, aluminum tubes, cool! And what's in this box? Yellowcake, yum, tastes good!"

8) The WMDs are now in Israel. You can't have a good conspiracy theory unless you somehow involve the Jews. Specifically the WMDs are in bank vaults. You know, Jewish bankers and all that.

9) The people saying that the WMDs still exist now have them. These conspiracy theorists so love conspiracy theories that they stole them and are hiding them, that way they can claim the WMDs are in all sorts of places except where they have them. The ultimate conspiracy theory is to have the conspiracy theorists explaining conspiracy theories to people susceptible to conspiracy theories when the theorists are actually the conspiracy. Are you following that? Really? Well, I've got a conspiracy theory in Florida I could sell you as well.

10) There was never any claims that Saddam had WMDs. On the count of three you will awake refreshed with no knowledge of the past five years. One, twooo, threeee! It is now Feb. 24th, 2001 and Colin Powell is speaking, "
He (Saddam Hussein) has not developed any significant capability with respect to weapons of mass destruction. He is unable to project conventional power against his neighbors."


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