Thursday, March 31, 2005

Cat + Gun = Attempted Castration

Here is a news story about the dangers of guns and pets;
March 9, 2005, 1:18 PM

BATES TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) -- An Upper Peninsula man cooking in his kitchen was shot after one of his cats knocked his 9mm handgun onto the floor, discharging the weapon, Michigan State Police said. Joseph Stanton, 29, of Bates Township in Iron County, was shot in his lower torso around 6 p.m. Tuesday, the state police post in Iron River reported. He was transported to Iron County Community Hospital.

Michelle Sand, a spokeswoman at the Iron River hospital, said Stanton was treated there before being transferred to Marquette General Hospital for further treatment. But Marcie Miller, a representative of the Marquette facility, said there was no record of the hospital receiving a patient by that name.

A telephone message seeking comment was left Wednesday at Stanton's home. State police said he was cooking at his stove when the cat knocked the loaded gun off the kitchen counter behind him.

So after thinking about this story for a few minutes, I think I've identified five problems and created some solutions.

1) The cat. All cats should be killed as this incident clearly indicates an inner hatred towards humans by felines. We can now see that cats have evolved well past scratching and pissing on humans to actually using our own weapons against us. They should all be put to sleep before they decide to use weapons of mass destruction on humanity.

2) Guns. It's now quite obvious how dangerous these weapons have become as even animals are figuring out how to use them. We should ban guns now before animals like deer acquire firearms knowledge and create a human hunting season.

3) Stoves. This appliance has become too complicated for modern humans and they should be banned. We now have had the microwave for several decades, an appliance that requires much less thought process thus less chance at being distracted when a cat may want to shoot at us. A second advantage to an all-microwave future is that problem 1) "killing of all cats" could be done more rapidly using the microwave.

4) The Upper Penninsula. This part of the state of Michigan should be given to Canada. Any place that the residents take pride in calling themselves Yoopers should not be part of the United States. There are too many crazy people up there evidenced by the fact that they teach their cats to shoot guns. Let them crazy Yoopers become crazy Canadians.

5) Humans. I won't advocate the killing of all humans just because some are so stupid that they leave loaded 9mm handguns around for the housecat to attempt murders. But I do think we should probably have some kind of IQ test for gun owners. If they are too stupid then they should have their guns taken away and then they should be castrated so as to not breed more stupid gun owners. On the other hand maybe this man recognized how stupid he was and wanted castration performed by his own cat using a handgun. It's possible stupid gun owners will solve this problem on their own, just by being stupid.

So, if we apply all my suggestions we can vastly reduce the number of cat shootings of humans. In a catless, gunless, Yooperless country of microwave-only intelligent cooks we may yet reach Utopia.


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